As soon as I know my friend’s grandma lives only 8 miles away from me, I start the feeling of wanting to treat her like my own.
I know that she likes Taiwanese snacks, so I carry a bag of snack and couple packs of masks, walk almost 30 minutes from the train station to drop it off at her from door.
I was worried that she would get infected from the virus, so I made sure I sprayed everything before I dropped it off.
After I dropped it at her front door, and text my friend, I feel great, but sad at the same time.
I was in tears on the way walking back to the train station.
Then, Grandma Ang called me, thanks me for the snacks and masks, “You are welcomed to stop by my place anytime you want!” She said. My heart was melting but broken when I heard that.
I thought I could find my grandmother’s shadow when doing this project, but it is just not the same.
Though she spend most of the day watching news just like my grandma, it is not the same.
She loves sewing, when taking picture of she sewing, the only image in my mind was the last time my grandma help me to sew the hole on my shorts.
No one would do that for me anymore.
Grandma Ang gave me a pair of socks and a scarf that she knitted by herself for me, it is such a precious gift.
I was trying to find something, something that could remind me of my grandma, maybe the pills, maybe the way Grandma Ang combed her hair, maybe how she organized everything so well, maybe the closet, maybe the hands, or the skins, or even the hair clips.
I was thinking on the way back home after taking photos, but until I was almost home. I finally realized that, I would never be able to find my grandma.
No matter how hard I tried or look, nobody would hug me the way she did, land me her shoulder, or cheered me up when I cry.
I know she is gone. Today is the 100th day after she past away. 100 days ago, I did not make it. Today, I still can’t make it. I still can’t be in Taiwan for her 100th day ceremony.
I had a dream about my grandma two days ago. She was alive in my dream, but left and told her I would be back soon. When I got back, she was already gone. I heard she said to me,, “I don’t have time. I need to go.”
I think it is time for me to let go. Let grandma go.